I have had a lot of time to reflect on the course of my life and how quickly things can change. It has been a very difficult process. This year has been one of self realization. It might seem odd to some but when you have been in school your whole life you fail to develop in other aspects of your life. I have been in school forever and I have invested so much time and energy in being the best. I don't regret going to school. In fact, I would be an eternal student if money would allow! However, when you are in school you do not get the opportunity to expand as a person. You gain a lot of knowledge but you don't really get a chance to learn about yourself. You get lost in a sea of books and assignments. There is no time to just sit and not do anything. For these reasons, this year I have had to examine what things make me happy. It might seem odd that as an adult I don't know what exactly makes me happy but it is true. Some of the harshest times have been sitting in silence, with only myself and imagining what happiness is and if I have it. I have learned that it is something that you have to provide for yourself. Other people can add to your happiness but in the end you have to feel complete without all the external stuff.
Don't get me wrong, my pups make me happy every day. Well, except for when Simba eats poop or when Buddha chews up a pillow. The warm the coldest winter night and I am so happy that we found each other.
This year has been tumultuous. I have had two somewhat serious health problems that were directly related to stress and a life altering event that recently occurred that has turned my world upside down. I'm not sure if I'm a firm believer in the notion that everything happens for a reason but I can see that in my case there is a reason. I'm not entirely sure what the reason is but I believe it is so that I can find true happiness.
I have been running on pure adrenaline for so long. I want to change the world, I want to help everyone and I want to feel good about knowing that I have made a difference. One thing I have learned is that this philosophy on life is fantastic but it can run you ragged if you are not careful. I'm exhausted but I truly feel that better things are on the way. I've made a lot of changes and have cut out habits or people who are just not healthy for the direction that I want my life to go in.
I am fortunate to have a strong family and friend support system but it's essential to note that you have to work at your own happiness at your own pace. Only YOU can know what makes you happy. It's a trial and error process. It's not like you wake up one day and say HEY! I had a dream and I know all the little tiny things that make me happy now. Wouldn't that be awesome? It just doesn't work that way. We have to search, we have to make mistakes and we have to keep going. Personally, I love Christmas and have grown with beautiful memories from my childhood. Buying a small Christmas tree this year for myself, by myself made me extremely happy. It's the little things.
So as we go into the holiday season I am glad to say that I am a work in progress. I have made it through some detestable moments and I am stronger as a result. Who knows what the new year will bring but I am happy to say that I am alive and well on this day.Self discovery can take a lifetime and I am committed to it!
Happy Holidays!